Archive for March, 2012

I spent the majority of the day 3/6/11 crying with love and gratitude after the last post that I made. It was difficult to open myself up this way, especially in a public way and I was worried about the response… *I am still human after all*. I only told a select few what I was going through and most of my friends were surprised to hear about the turmoil in my life. I am usually the one that people come to when they have a problem and most people respect my advice and follow it. No one expects the Oak Tree to fall! And when it does, people stand, scratching their heads  in amazement and wonder, “How in the hell did that happen?”

The main responses were either, “I had no idea that you were going through so much.” or “I am so sorry for what you went through but you have given me courage to do what I need to do!” To both of those… and to all the ones in between I am thankful that you reached out to me. It made my “coming out” a little less scary.

There was so much that I didn’t get into in the 1st post simply because it is no one’s business and I would never subject my children to any of the horrible wretched truths of people that were supposed to love and honor them. In this small way, I honor and protect them!

I have been thinking about this post for 2 days now and have went back and forth wondering how I am going to explain the sense of freedom that I have found… so this morning I put in my favorite CD of Lakyn Brinkman… Now, most of you have never heard of this amazing girl… so let me share some of her music with you…. Her songs truly helped me get though some very tough times… She opens my heart in a way that very few people can! I was fortunate enough to be her nanny for 2 years and now she is all grown up sharing her gift with the world! Shine on Sister!!!

I listened to this one a lot because I needed to feel better! I Feel Better

and this one: Go This one really gave me the courage to get up and move my feet! Enough stagnation! Just put a tack in the map and just drive… So many times I wanted to jump in my car and get somewhere!!! Just gone Getting out of this Hell!!! And no more wishing for what I had…. Time to go after it!!! Listen to the song and see if you agree!!

I just cry when I hear this amazing girl singing her songs…Good tears trump bad tears any day!!!

Now I sit here contemplating how often we wonder through our day only concerned about our problems or issues? Looking straight through someone else, barely listening with no recollection of what was just said…. Even when the conversations are deeply personal. I know I have done it. And I have been the one bearing my heart and soul to someone that was barely paying attention… This entire experience has taught me that I  don’t want to close myself off to other peoples pain anymore… I want to feel and hear everything they are going through, to help ease some of their suffering… instead of walking away, throwing my hands up tired of listening to the same old broken record. I hate that I have ever done that to anyone!!! And I know that I have… But not anymore! My heart will never view their situation as anything other than EXTREMELY IMPORTANT ever again! Because I know from experience that it does not feel good… It hurts beyond belief actually! I have learned from this experience that we are all just really doing the very best that we can do… and sometimes we get stuck in the mud and muck and need a friend to help us out. I have been so blessed with a handful of people that were willing to reach their hand out to me and help me out of the much… Thank you friends!

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March 6th 2011… The day that an emotional tornado ripped through my life leaving it virtually unrecognizable. I don’t know how I have made it through this year. But here I am staring this day in the face daring it to rain on my parade! I feel like Captain Dan from Forest Gump… Sitting on the mask of the shrimping boat yelling, “Come and Get me… I’M RIGHT HERE”! And I add…. I TRIPLE DOG DARE YOU!!! But I know that the tornado has passed and I am ready for smooth sailing! How do I know… Spirit told me that I just had to hold on until March… Well, its March… *happy dancing*

I thought I had the world in my hands… 2 beautiful kids, 2 dogs, a house that I had made a home and a husband that I thought adored his family…I was starting the business that I had always dreamed of opening, had a ton of good friends, loving family and a very healthy client base… So I thought!  That tornado ripped away parts of my life that I was sure were securely rooted and always would be. It turned out that the storm that ripped my world apart had several cells that would pop up every few weeks and destroy any progress I had made. By the end of the storm, I had lost my mother, sister, friends, grandparents and husband. It seemed that the levels of betrayal would never end. This story is not to describe the events of the storm, the story is to describe the rebuilding process and what I have learned about myself.

I still cry almost every night. I am still healing. I cry for me, for all the years I lost because I didn’t know how to do it different. But this is what I have learned about myself and the people around me.

You see… EVERYTHING that happened to me, I had allowed to happen. Of course not consciously but  I had allowed my mother to emotionally abuse and manipulate me for years.She attached labels to me that she should have taken and destroyed…Horrible labels that should never have been attached to me. Sins of a mother that the child had nothing to do with..So of course when I married, I unconsciously carried the weigh of this abuse and labels into my marriage. I allowed my husband to use me as a screen so that it looked as if he had the perfect life… It was all lies! And the tornado shattered them all! Thank you God!

You may ask yourself why I didn’t see it coming if I am a psychic medium…. Well the answer is simple…. I would have tried to stop it. No one wants a storm of this magnitude to rip their safety and security away. I had valuable lessons to learn that would not have been learned if I my safe and secure life had not been disrupted.

So what do I now know about myself? I know that silently and desperately I called for this tornado! I ask for a more substantial life. I ask for more love and to have only people that valued me…. Well, obviously my mother and husband did not value me. If they had, the tornado could have never ripped them away.  Ironically, neither of them wanted to be out of my life and they have used their same manipulative strategies to try to stay in my life. Problem is that I recognize them now and don’t fall for it. I didn’t know how to change it but I do now! *well lets say I am still working on it…* I am learning how difficult it is to change deeply ingrained patterns of behavior. I have learned to recognize it! So that’s a start!

Before the tornadoes, whenever I would look at my life I would see the same old same old… Now, I see a blank canvas of possibilities. I am free of their baggage and free of their abuse! And now that my hands are not full of their crap, I am liberated… Like a prisoner released early! All I see are blue skies!!! And I am ready to grab every ounce of life and opportunity that flows my way!!!

I have learned to FEEL again instead of listening to bullshit words that people spew all the time. I feel the vibrations of the words as truths or lies again!!! (Truth is, I knew they were all lying to me, but I chose to believe their words instead of my feeling.) And it is an amazing feeling to remember this feeling! I am still “remembering” and I don’t always get it right, but I trust my intuition again. HUGE!!! I trust ME AGAIN….ENORMOUS!

Everyday I am learning more and more about me… and I love it! There is so much that I had forgotten about me that I am discovering! And little by little, everyday, I am forgiving those that have betrayed me. I will forgive them for me and bless them on their path knowing that they will get exactly what they deserve without any help from me. I pray that they have learned their lessons also and choose to walk a better path but either way, I bless them for the lessons that they have taught me.

I forgot the best lesson that I have learned… I have learned how to be open and vulnerable again… To live with my heart wide open and experience life with every part of my Body, Mind and Spirit… I have lived through the worse that could ever happen to anyone… Nothing can ever ever ever be as bad as this… I have nothing to fear but fear itself!

The moral of this story is that even though a tornado has blown through your life and destroyed it beyond recognition, it can be a good thing if you allow it to be. Because only after everything has been torn down can you rebuild the REAL life that you want with the REAL people that deserve your love! Don’t ever ever ever settle for less than you deserve!

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